But every year we spend this day differently. Doing a different thing. Different year, different mood.
Its also the time that marks the end of the calender year. A time to celebrate, a time to gather, a time to tear down, a time to build up, a time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to be silent, a time to speak, for me also a time for reflections; a time to look back the year 2004 and see that I have come so far...
2004 has been a tremendous year for me. Its has been a year of ups and downs. Its a roller coaster ride for me but I am glad that I am beginning to see the rainbow at the end of the storm. Not a literal storm I am talking abt here of course!
I thought of at least 3 hard decisions that I had made this year that will change the course of my life for next year, and the many years to come.
(1) I decided to bury my grief...
I decided to bury my grief at the foot of the cross. I had a broken relationship early this year. It was probably the lowest period of my life. If there is a "pit", I knew I was there, in that bottomless pit where I kept falling.
No one can talk any sense into me. Or put it this way, I am not listening.
Day and night I seemed to be wallowing in my own grief, choked by my own tears, drowning myself by the gallons.
All these caused my life to be slowly rotting away. Not many people knew about it except friends who cares for me. They were grieved to see me in that state.
There are times I pretended to be happy for the sake of those who cares for me. But deep inside, I am empty, lost, saddened. I felt that no one is able help me. No one truly understand what I am going through. Haha! Who can understand what I am going through during my time of sorrow? I am who I am. You are not me! I thought I may be slipping into serious bouts of depression soon...
I decided to bury the grief. Get on with life. She's not going to give a damn for what I've went through. I have wasted enuff time, its stupid not to move on. I wanna thank God for the friends that have walked me through this period of darkness. I thank God for His grace and mercy for my life. He has shown me what really matters and who really cares for me. Today i have new plans and renewed purpose.
I had moved on.
(2) I decided to leave my former job...
I left my comfortable office-based job (of nearly 4 years) for a site-based job. I left my close colleagues for a tough environment where people ain't friendly most of the time. I want a site-based job that bring in more income to pay off some debts and save up more money for my plans. I want a job that will make me very busy so that I will not keep thinking of her. I want a job that will challenge me, to spur me on, well at least, my current site-based job makes me physically and mentally tougher. I want to move out of my "comfort zone". I want to prepare myself for an environment where things may not always be rosy and nice.
(3) I decided to move on to another network...
Another difficult decision to make.
I left a network where I have made many great new friends. Anna was right to say the toughest thing for me to 'give up' is friends.
I value and treasure friendship more than silver and gold.
But that's exactly what I may have to learn to do. No, not to disown friends.
But to learn to manage my emotions in the area of attachments. The feeling of being too attached to familar persons/places and that tug in my heart when I need to move on.
The friends I have made this network I will keep for life. These new friends are the best thing that happen to me this year.
Its not a ending but a new beginning.
... and there are much i wanted to say but i am sleepy now...
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