The 3 Hardest Decisions I Have Made This Year

Christmas falls on 25th Dec every year. Yea. everyone knows that.

But every year we spend this day differently. Doing a different thing. Different year, different mood.

Its also the time that marks the end of the calender year. A time to celebrate, a time to gather, a time to tear down, a time to build up, a time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to be silent, a time to speak, for me also a time for reflections; a time to look back the year 2004 and see that I have come so far...

2004 has been a tremendous year for me. Its has been a year of ups and downs. Its a roller coaster ride for me but I am glad that I am beginning to see the rainbow at the end of the storm. Not a literal storm I am talking abt here of course!

I thought of at least 3 hard decisions that I had made this year that will change the course of my life for next year, and the many years to come.

(1) I decided to bury my grief...

I decided to bury my grief at the foot of the cross. I had a broken relationship early this year. It was probably the lowest period of my life. If there is a "pit", I knew I was there, in that bottomless pit where I kept falling.

No one can talk any sense into me. Or put it this way, I am not listening.

Day and night I seemed to be wallowing in my own grief, choked by my own tears, drowning myself by the gallons.
All these caused my life to be slowly rotting away. Not many people knew about it except friends who cares for me. They were grieved to see me in that state.

There are times I pretended to be happy for the sake of those who cares for me. But deep inside, I am empty, lost, saddened. I felt that no one is able help me. No one truly understand what I am going through. Haha! Who can understand what I am going through during my time of sorrow? I am who I am. You are not me! I thought I may be slipping into serious bouts of depression soon...

I decided to bury the grief. Get on with life. She's not going to give a damn for what I've went through. I have wasted enuff time, its stupid not to move on. I wanna thank God for the friends that have walked me through this period of darkness. I thank God for His grace and mercy for my life. He has shown me what really matters and who really cares for me. Today i have new plans and renewed purpose.

I had moved on.


(2) I decided to leave my former job...
I left my comfortable office-based job (of nearly 4 years) for a site-based job. I left my close colleagues for a tough environment where people ain't friendly most of the time. I want a site-based job that bring in more income to pay off some debts and save up more money for my plans. I want a job that will make me very busy so that I will not keep thinking of her. I want a job that will challenge me, to spur me on, well at least, my current site-based job makes me physically and mentally tougher. I want to move out of my "comfort zone". I want to prepare myself for an environment where things may not always be rosy and nice.


(3) I decided to move on to another network...
Another difficult decision to make.

I left a network where I have made many great new friends. Anna was right to say the toughest thing for me to 'give up' is friends.

I value and treasure friendship more than silver and gold.

But that's exactly what I may have to learn to do. No, not to disown friends.

But to learn to manage my emotions in the area of attachments. The feeling of being too attached to familar persons/places and that tug in my heart when I need to move on.

The friends I have made this network I will keep for life. These new friends are the best thing that happen to me this year.

Its not a ending but a new beginning.


... and there are much i wanted to say but i am sleepy now...

Simple Things In Life...

I enjoy simple things in life that I can have.

I had lunch at Margaret Drive today. Had rice with tofu, cauli-flower, slices of pig liver cooked in brown sauce. Though the pig liver proved too stiff for me, I enjoyed my 30 min lunch.

Prior to my fall accident, I have to eat alone most of the time, 3 meals a day outside for nearly 7 years now. At times, I got so sick of eating. Why not someone just invent some kind of pill that one can just simply pop one a day and don't have to eat??

After my accident, I had no choice when its comes to food. I have to eat porridge everyday. And bec my jaw was gagged up by elastic bands. Even eating plain porridge will take me some half hour to finish. Well, I gotta drink through a straw. I lost almost 6 kgs in less than a month. My meals consisted of only liquid diet, milk, milo, cereal etc. Its was a difficult time for me. I felt hungry half the time.

Though my teeth ain't fixed up yet. I can eat more things now... slowly. I really enjoy eating all the things that are not too hard for me to chew. I am happy just to put a piece of chocolate in my mouth and let it melt.

I am even more the happier to know that I have many friends who care for me in this trying period. In their little ways and means, i am touched by what they have done for me.

Recently one of my friends commented that my blog is always writing about God stuffs. I read through my own blog and realised its true. Hahaha!

I guess everyone live on this earth for a different purpose. Some live for their country, some for their ethnic identity, some for their beliefs, or faith in something, some for their families, some for their careers, some for love, some for their dreams, or there are probably some who dunno what they are living for.

For me, to live is for Christ. And to die is gain.

Very happy!

I am very happy that I have talked to my best friend last night thru' msn. I had the idea that we have lost contact and wondered when i will ever bumped into her again. Hmmm... just on the sunday afternoon itself, I was walking around causeway point to kill time. The last time i met up with her was also at the same place. Wanted to call her then but i didn't.

I had a really pleasant surprise to hear from her. Its a great way to end a gr8 week! To find a long lost friend that I hold close to my heart.

Called home to be with the Lord...

Have you ever have experience of a friend being called home to be with the Lord?

I did. Just had.

If you are reading today's papers, you will read abt this singaporean couple who met with a fatal car accident in NZ for their honeymoon.
Their rental car crashed into a truck and flew off the ravine. When I 1st heard the news over the radio while a a cab yesterday, I couldn't figure the names of the couple as the tranmission was in 'chim' hokkien. It was only till late last night around 1am when another sms me that I found out it was them.

I was deeply saddened. But I prayed for their families, the Lord reminded me that they both home with Him. Safe in His arms. They are now in a far better place than we are now. Truly citizens of heaven, literally now!

It again dawned upon me that we should tell all our unsaved friends abt CHRIST. It will be a tragedy if they go into eternality w/o knowing the Saviour.

Let's do it.

Thanksgiving

I would like to thank God for...

1) for giving me enuff money for this month till payday
2) My dec bonus + pay
3) for the Margaret Dr coffee stall that serves 50cent kopi-O. The place I spend my lunch-time.
4) for the batam retreat 6-8 dec 2004
5) for the Lord's protection, favor over us during the trip
6) for the delifrance lunch we had after we returned
7) for the steamed fish mum has prepared for me
8) for letting me realise once again, that I am not here on earth by chance.
9) for letting me understand what it means when i give up my rights for Jesus
10)for my new hp
11) for my new good friends, anna, caroline, eddie, fione
12) for the good friends i have, how they supported me in the past when i am down.
13) for His favor upon me during my work & with colleagues
14) for the salvation of Joycelyn and her family when her grandma's cancer was healed by Jesus.
15) Christmas is near. There's nothing special abt that day. Just that its a good day where friends can gather... Jesus wasn't really born on christmas day.
16) for Him speaking to me thru His Word
17) for Him granting me a driving licence in July. I shouldn't have passed. I made 2 big mistakes. Did not follow instructions. I prayed hard.
18) for my recovery. can eat more things now.
19) for my friend's wedding tomorrow
20) "You, LORD give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in You". Isa 26:3

3D2N!

3D2N seems lk NOT ENUFF!!!!

We just came back from our very own 3D2N mini retreat from batam. hmmm... gues we all agree that 3D2N seems too short. We din get to eat much seafood, no water sports.. for the record only I swam at the pool today... Hahaha!

Day 1 Monday 0830am Harborfront delifrance
I arrived at harbor front to meet Joycelyn... Haven't seen her for nearly 2 years.. She's still ever bubbly. Happy to see her. She's on her way to a Kelong retreat with her church members. Hmm, 2 years ago when I 1st got to know her, she wasn't a believer. I remembered I was praying for her salvation. Glad to noe she is now a christian leader & her whole family is saved.

1030am
Owen arrived. Caro and Anna shortly after. After breakfast, we went to collect the ferry tickets and got some groceries from cold storage. We forgot to get milk, guess who was hungry later at nite? Hehehehe...

1300pm
At last, we are making our way to batam!

1345pm
Batam. Mini van transfer to Sijori Resort. Spent the whole day in the resort. The 1st evening dinner at the resort was less than fulfilling. Reminds me of those factory-taste food court food. But still give thanks! I know I sound very contrary but I am being honest here! HahHaha... But the good company made the less platable fare seem enjoyable. Plus There was a cool breeze thoughout the dinner time. No desserts though... Grrrrrrhhh...

We had a good time of sharing stories at night.

Day 2
Morning devotion. Can you believe it? hahaha! Its a good thing la. We all need some spiritual food.

We proceeded to take cab to town. Waterfront? hmmm? Nvm... I forgot where is the place... We were supposed to eat seafood but the seafood plc was closed. So we hopped off at a decent looking shopping centre. We had lunch at a coffee shop nearby. Its was drizzling... made the pm so cool... TG!
It must be the best lunch we had! TG! Owen: Can send me some nice pictures to paste here? Owen: You reading this blog??

Then we walked around for a while... get more junk foods to gorge ourselves... okay okay, for me to gorge myself. Hahahaha! The girls were looking for kueh lapis. If not for the drizzling... I actually had the crazy idea of going to see every shop they had there... Later, I decided that my legs will have the final say. So we settled down at a Dessert Shop! Praise God for Dessert Shops! Hahaha!

By the time we decided to go back to the resort. We were all too full for dinner.
The cabby lost his way. Grrrhhhh... He's a local! & we aren't. Anywae, TG we all got back.

Evening
Had our dosage of channel U programmes. They actually have our local channels. Anna and I did our facial masks. Hehehe, it was my idea. Cool right? Poor owen, he was quite sick by now. So he slept early. He was coughing so badly that we prayed for him to be healed. I had a bit of tummy upset since Day 1, but when food's served, I am healed! Hahahaa!


Day 3
Morning devotion.
Times flies!!!! How can this be the last day?? We haven't even swam yet. Let alone any sea sports that Owen had in mind. We had to check out by 12pm.

So while they continued their sharing, I headed for the pool alone. Hahaha! Well, I was literally alone in the pool. Except for the uncle cleaning the pool since Day 1. But at last, It was truly the time I am alone by myself.
We had originally planned the trip lk a personal retreat thingy but guess 3 days 2 nights seems too short! We didn't quite finish our sharing, or have time to ourselves, or had really nice seafood etc...

But we had gr8 company. Us and Jesus. See? JesUS.
Got to know one another better.
Laughed, cried, listened, understood.


Departure Hall Batam -

Guess what?

They have Dunkin Donut at the departure hall. I love to eat donut! NYPD fav!
Praise God!

Will ALL of our loved ones get saved at the end of the Day?

Have you wondered if all your family members and friends will be saved? The very least, YOURSELF?? If you are born again, spirit-filled christian and you are still doubting your own salvation, speak to a pastor or leader near you!

I am not writing a sermon here. Haahaa! Sometimes, I also think who on earth is going to read all my blog here? But i guess i enjoy the tapping away on the keyboard to get my ideas across and express myself in a way that I can also understand myself better. Its liken to cruising on the highway, especially when you have nowhere to go... i just type and type... till my fingers are numb and eyes goggly.

Two days ago while walking to Margaret Drive market. I seem to hear the Lord says,"How many people have you witnessed for Christ lately?" I heard this illustration before and this is how its goes: Suppose you recieved news from the Head of the CIA, and you know that some jack-ass is going to blow up this airliner that your family or friends are going to board that very day? Would you do all you can to stop them from boarding this plane? I bet you would!

Then i began to ask myself why am I not actively winning souls to Christ?
I was reading lately and was reminded we are to be missionaries to the people around us. Missionary literally means "The sent one". We are all the sent ones. No need for me to type the whole "Great Commission" that Jesus has given us. Some of us, myself incl, have seem to have forgotten it at times, or at best, the Great Commission has become the Great Suggestion. but the Lord wasn't merely suggesting that we win some to Christ, He was really sending us out and gave us authority to do so in His name.

I have my fair share of witnessing to the people around me. If I am a bad character and after i accepted Christ, I became good; people can see a GREAT change. That'll be great of course. But I am already a christian when I started out working. I realised some actually observed me at a distance and once in a while, people may just say things like,"I thought you are a Christian? How can you say this, or do that?"

Non-believers look at our lives and examines our faith from their perspective. How we deal with the issues in our life. There are times too when i wasn't much of a good testimony. But thanks be to God, He is making me grow through bad times and each time i emerged stronger.

I also heard many reasons why people wouldn't believe in Jesus
1) My family is Buddhist, taotist etc so I can't be a christian.
2)I don't believe in your Jesus crap.
3) I am not good enough to be a christian, God wouldn't like me to be in the church.
4) I changed my life and be better first, then i go church.
5) Busy now, God later
6) You know that so-and-so also a christian, but he's so $%@&....
7) Show me a miracle(or Jesus) first, then I believe.
8) Christian give a their hard earned money to church right, that's stupid.
9) That big church in the west very rich right? Got one pastor become a singer.. blab blab. Again, why christians so blindly follow?
10) You believe in your Jesus, I believe in my god. So shut up.
11) I think i am a good man, I don't need your Jesus.

& the list go on a long way...

As christians, we know that the bible says that many unsaved people are spiritually blinded by the god of this world(satan). My prayer is that God will continue to use me as a good witness to reach out to these people. Not that I am any better or more superior. I am merely a ex-sinner redeemed by God's grace.

I believe we are living the last days as descibed in the bible. There have been so many famines, hurricanes, earthquakes, cave-ins, mines explosions all over the world. Till the extent it has almost become a weekly event something big will happen somewhere in the world. that satan is trying his best to make more people join him in hell.

Christians needs to live a life that is empowered by Jesus, filled with the Spirit. We have a eternal hope that we can offer to the unsaved around us. Non-believers are not stupid, they wants a faith(religion) that actually works in their lives! They need something REAL! Going to church every sunday morning doesn't really turn people on. Its real christians that talk the walk and walk the talk. Christians that are constantly loving the people around them, healing the sick, casting out demons, lifting up the oppressed, helping the poor, telling people about Christ who died for their sins, giving a hope to the lost.

I got a friend whom I talked to recently. He has got a steady job. Yet he felt lost bec he doesn't know what he wants out of his life. He is constantly chasing after the things of this world, changing girl-friends but never seem to find fulfillment in any of these. I am trying to tell him that his problem cannot be solved by changing another new girl friend, or buy a new car, or change a new job. He needs a permanent fix for his life. He can go on for another 5 years and things probably wouldn't change much unless he comes to realise what really matters in his life.

For myself, I am a christian for a long time. I know that the God thingy is real. Jesus died for me on the cross and was resurrected after 3 days. Today, He's alive. And i am living for Him. If Jesus did not work for me in my life. How am I going to tell people abt Him, about His goodness? You cannot convince someone to buy your product if you yourself don't believe in it. The salvation of God is a free gift, but it did not come cheap. Jesus bought it for us with His own blood.

God help me, and may He overcome your un-belief. Amen.

Protected by His favor...

Thank God, Praise God in all circumstances!

Though I only managed to catch the last 15 min of last saturday's sermon.

I was still in my head office at 5:30pm!

Just today, one of my colleague, a christian, and the only christian on my worksite. He told me some things that was going on but that I did not know.

I drove to my site office on saturday. Promised my brother that I would return the car by 1pm. Then a urgent call came in from the head office. I was stuck in office till nearly 3pm. There and then, I prayed that I would be able to return home by 3:30pm.

That's exactly what I told my supervisor," Can I go back early?"
He said,"Okay".

I thought it must have been my prayer answered!

But the story did not end there.

The truth is I did not quite finish the task I was asked to do on that day.
And i actually have the guts to ask to leave early. Though i did explained to him that i had to return the family car.

My christian colleague told me that I must be out of my head to ask for 'early departure' on saturday! And left my work undone. In hushed tones, he then related his own past experiences to me... He and another colleague have been reprimanded severely in the past for mistakes at work. He advised me to watch what I do and say. And I thank the Lord for sending him to tell me dese.

For the record, I always work conscentiously so that I will be a good testimony to all. I may not be the smartest or most efficient worker. But in everything, I do my best. I do make mistakes. But on that saturday, the Lord must have granted me favor in the eyes of my supervisor. He did not railed me at my request to leave early. What could I say? Its must have been His protection!

I reached home at 3:30pm. Parked at home, took MRT to my head office to do my time sheet. They got new electronic time sheet, that's extremely annoying bec the system is ultra-un-user-friendly. Grrrrrr... that's why I was so late for service & only heard 15 mins of the sermon. But still got the essence of it all.

"Praise God!"

Have you ever wonder why there are mosquitoes?

Would you believe me if i said God sent a mosquito to bug me whole night that i was half awake... that i would not be late for work this morning? Hahaha! Well, its "half true". I reached my workplace just in the nick of time to hand over some files to be brought over for a morning meeting over at the head office. You may ask
why "half true"?

While i am still under the sheets, i was grumbling to the Lord. "Lord, why there is this d@mn mosquito in my room...?" i remembered i had deliberately not use the air-con too much to avoid a over-reliant on such a luxury. i simply pulled my blanket over my whole body so that the irritating bug will not "buzzzzz" in my ears. You noe what I meant? They seem to hover near your ears, close enuff to irritate & kp you awake... kekeke!

And i believe God was trying to talk to me. Really! the Lord always used such circumstances to speak to me.

The Lord impressed upon my heart to think of the christian missionaries that are in the fields now... Most of us christians in Singapore have been living so comfortable lives. I almost couldn't sleep without air-con when I went for army reservist.

I am now reading a book now titled " Making Jesus Lord" by Loren Cunningham. If there is going to be a book to change your life, this is going to be one! In short, Loren teaches us the dynamic power of laying down your personal rights for Christ, for the sake of the Gospel.
Give up your rights for your own comforts, give up your rights being with your earthly family, friends, give up your successful career, give up your freedom, give up those things that mattered to you most, perhaps even give up the rights to marriage...

Jesus wants us to follow Him... losing our rights and gaining the world. Only by taking Jesus' example into our lives will we be able to win in life, ruling and reigning with Him.

"If anyone man would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up the cross and follow Me. For whover would save his life would lose it; and whoever loses his life for My sake and the Gospel 's will save it." Mark 8:34,35

Another reason God asks for us to relinquish something is bec He wants to give us something greater. It is a rule of the Kingdom of God: Give up something good and receive something of greater value; give up your rights and receive greater privileges with God.

It isn't so much of "gloom and doom" to give up our rights. Those rights are, in the 1st place are given to us by our heavenly Daddy. Though its not gonna to easy to give up, but I must say the HS really challenges me to this new concept. I thank the Lord for renewing my mind and my inner man. I am learning something new.

After my dental appointment just now, I thought abt the hefty operation costs that I will have to bear. I never had much savings, neither have I an insurance plan. But I was reminded once again that our Lord owns the whole universe, all the world's resources, 1o thousands of 10,000 angels at His command. All I have to do is to stop worrying and surely God will provide for me.

Have you ever seen a worried sparrow? No? Bec He feeds them, even the poor sparrows.

my very 1st blog!

Harlow all my beloved!
This is 1st ever blog.... would lk to dedicate my 1st post to all my friends who have shown so much care and concern, support and love for me while i was hospitalised. I was really touched by all your kindness. Can i name them here? hahaha! or do all rather remain anonymous?? hahahaha!